To Show Up Authentically You, You Must Be Honest

To be perfectly honest, I have been in a slump lately. Not being aggressive in my work, taking too many days off when I can hinder any potential progress already set in motion, being in my feelings and not doing the hard part. The last month in particular has been draining to the point where I've even been questioning the associations around me. Now, some may think, it's just all in my head while others may believe it is my fault for letting things get this far, and to that I say, both are true. If you know me then you know, I am a people pleasure to a fault. Ever since I was young, I always wanted to have a lot a friends and hang with the popular group. As I got older, one would think those feelings would fade, for the most part they did, only for a while. I, however, was able to mask the art of thinking that stuff really didn't matter to me when in actuality it did. What people thought of me when I entered the room, was my opinion an idiotic one, did they like what I was wearing, was I too animated, you name it. It just so happened that what I have been going through the past month or so has only been cumulating and boiling over. I don't like it. So here is a post so transparent that I can't even believe I'm making it myself. Yes, I want to be liked. I want all of my accomplishments to be acknowledged. My biggest flex so far in life is that I have multiple degrees from a top HBCU and I have my own business. Cool, right? On the flip side, I go home to just me, a single woman whose birthday is less than two weeks away, still craving attention from the one who deserves it most. I don't have that. I know others will say that what I have is an accomplishment in itself and though that may be the case, I still feel nothing that I truly want outside of this career, I have yet to obtain. Now again, I'm a grateful child of God. I know what I do have, others are still waiting for that, and I also recognize that this feeling is only temporary, but nonetheless, I still feel it regardless. If I can change one thing it would becoming more assertive early on in life. Putting my foot down and not caring what others think. I would tell myself every day in the mirror, that I'm just as capable as anyone else walking this earth to be respected. I would walk in a room with my head held high and believe even if I was the only one doing so. Extremely confident, yet humble enough to show up just being me. So, I guess today is a day of cleansing if you will. A revelation so satisfying that I regain my own strength back. I can't change the pass and my faults, but I can navigate how I move in the future. Loving myself was never an option, it was and is mandatory. So, I choose me today. My authentic black self, of doing the hard work aloud. Even when it feels uncomfortable, I can and will be ok.